Happy new year!!!!!!!

Happy new year "-)

pujangga 45 #2

sender: +62817685****
31-dec-2007 01:23:40
aku selalu dgr katamu...
bahkan emosimu...
walau aku hanya orang yg tersisih dr pagi,
namun aku cukup bahagia melewati 1000malam bersama senyummu..
smoga malam terulang..


sent to: +62817685****
31-dec-2007 01:35:18
ada senyum dimatanya saat mereka menyapa # ada bintang berpijar dimalamnya ketika mereka menghampiri # Pppssssttttt # it's one of those nites she treasures #


sender: +62817685****
31-dec-2007 01:43:59
aku tanya malaikat.. "apa Tuhan sayang aku..?" Dia sangat sayang padamu.. Apa buktinya Tuhan sayang aku.. Dia telah mengirimkan kamu seorang yg mbuatmu tersenyum


sent to: +62817685****
31-dec-2007 01:52:23
ketika tb saatnya saat pkataan'nya hnya sbatas kumpulan huruf2 tnpa makna # biar apa yang 'dia' lakukan u/ 'mereka' lbih bergema # biar tindakkan'nya' menjawab kbutuhan 'mereka'

sender: +62817685****
31-dec-2007 02:05:19
mataku mulai terpejam hingga cahaya itu bangunkanku
dia memang pantas memberiku cahaya
kalimatnya mulai mgoda hatiku
sentuhannya memanjaku
jangan Kau ambil senangku

pujangga 45

sender: +6281768*****
30-dec-2007 09:40:05
Aku mati kak...
Dia mengambil senyum t'akhir hidupku
Satu persatu tangis menjengukku...
Sembahmu kini tak b'arti lg..
P'lahan ku hentikan jalanku m'cari kesenangan

sender : +6281768*****
30-dec-2007 23:07:53
Koma,aku mulai tertarik dgn siang...
akan aku langkahi malam2 bising tanpa suara...

Titik, aku akan hidup untuk melihat laut biru..
ya, semangatku sangat besar..
dendam kepada pagi yang segar, sore yg ramai..
dimana bisik itu berasal?
mungkin TUhan telah menyentuhku..
membelaiku dengan sayanNYA..

sent to: +6281768*****
31-dec-2007 01:05:27
Bisakah kupegang kata2mu? # bolehkah kutagih janji2mu? # aku pegang kata2ku # dan kau selalu boleh tagih janji2ku#

cross present tonite

there will be a cross present (kata reni seh ini bahasa inggrisny tukeran kado). i'll take the pic of my present n i'll post it...

in my head lately

i've been thinking about this lately:
*it's so easy for me to feel related with someone*

mungkin krna g yg lagi melarikan diri dari komunitas yg bikin g mudah pcaya ma strangers. feel like it is totally safe to pour things out coz this stranger has nothing to do with the old times, coz this stranger may not be able to judge me from the unrepairable things i've made.

smpai sore tadi, g masih brasa ga belong ma komunitas yg dulu g sayang n adore so much. 6 bulan djakarta masih ga cukup buat g feel like i'm home. mreka yg dulu jadi tmpat naro cerita jadi orang2 yang sekarang g hindarin. kata2 nandis yg dl g pegang sering jadi kumpulan kata2 yang g acuhin. janji2 yg g buat ma nandis, stella, yuni, ayung, n diri g sendiri banyakkali jadi janji2 basi yg sering ga kerealisasi.

apa ini yg bikin g nyaman ngabisin puluhan menit cuma u/ ngobrol with a stranger dibanding ngabisin bebrapa waktu ma mereka yg dulu bareng mereka g suka bgadang nyusurin jalan2 jakarta hunting makanan?

apa ini yang jadi alesan sempurna knapa g lebih suka dial ke nomor yang hnya baru g knal sebulanan ini dibanding men'dial nomor mereka yang g apal diluar kpala??

apa ini knapa g lebih milih u/ pour n share things with a stranger--a stranger who now i feel like someone i really know n care--dibanding ma mereka yg pendapat n isi hatinya g cari??

ga nyamannya g dengan komunitaskah yang bikin g ignore fakta bahwa nDuT lagi dijakarta, n bahkan g ga niat nawarin waktu u/ skedar ktemu bentar??
ignore fakta gimana belasan malem dia nemenin nongkrong dipinggir senggigi cuma untuk ngopi ngemie n ngbrol ga jelas mpe subuh2??


ini pcakapan via sms 2 days b4 christmas:

nDuT: nast, g dah dijakarta.
g : *stlah 2jam'an* welcome to the crowded jakarta ya!!
nDuT: nast, r u okey?
g : iya'lah, mang np?
nDuT: gak np2
g : once again, welcome to jakarta!
nDuT: gt y

that's it, i didnt n dont even want to reply or do anything with the fact that he is here, in the same geographical location with me. just dont feel comfort n eager to do so.

sorry guys, i'm sorry, i just dont feel like spending times with u.

I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, myself and I
We've got some straightenin' out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry
Don't cry Don't cry Don't cry *taken from Fergie's*


it may just be a pseudo thing, i know. i know that it may not last. i know that it may be pathetic to feel this way.

or, it may not?? or is it just an escape from reality like i used to say...

tapi, kalo g mau reality g Je, it means that i'm escaping from You, Je. n i dont want to escape from You. i still want to be found in You, Je...

the point is, aku masih mau ditemukan dalamMU, Je.

I in YOU

rasa'ku,
jiwa'ku,
hati'ku,
mimpu'ku,
gerak, keputusan, dan pilihan2ku,
nada dan suaraku,
seluruh keberadaan'ku... biar ditemukan didalamMu,

I'm coming back to the heart of worship,
it's all about You, it's all about You, Jesus,
I'm sorry Lord, for the things i made,
it's all about You, it's all about You, Jesus..."heart of worship" by.M.W.Smith

please use ur senses :-)

jangan pcaya kata2 yang keluar dari mulut g...
sering kali i dont mean them--
jangan pcaya expresi g...
sering kali i fake them--
jangan pcaya nada dan intonasi yang mengalun dari suara g...
sering kali i just make them up---

pcaya g dengan hati lo,
lihat expresi g dengan indra rasa lo,
dengar g dengan jiwa lo,

then, maybe... just maybe...
lo bisa lihat the real me...

back to 2005

iseng g baca2 lagi blog g di friendster, n nemuin tulisan ini:
*created on 31th October'05*

yahoo net cafe @ blakang mataram mall...

today, i practically have nothing special to do, except ikutan komsel pemuda gabungan @ 7p.m di ruko. so, here i am, checking emails...menghabiskan banyak waktu ngider2 d mal sini bikin g rada takjub gimana antu'ny masyarakat mataram--terutama yang muda2--u/ rame2 latah 'menghias diri' untuk bisa skedar gaya di hari lebaran. hampir smua shopping sites rame...ngebludak...mal yang notabene ga tlalu gede jadi makin mirip pasar impres. g phatiin, slaen toko2 baju, tempat nomor dua yang paling banyak diserbu adalah gerai2 handphone. kalau liat gaya parahnya gaya konsumtif mereka, rasanya ga percaya kalo dibilang indonesia lagi ngalamin krisis kemiskinan nasional. fyi, ga cuma mereka yang memang tinggal di mataram, ampenan, or cakra aj yang niat belanja2. mereka yang tinggal jauh dari kota--dari lombok tengah, barat, dan sgla penjuru--rame2 nyusrek ngubrek k sini.

pagi tadi, g sempet denger'in interview aa.gym tentang overacting. well, g rasa tingkat kegairahan kebanyakan orang untuk mnyambut dan mrayakan hari kemenangan Muslim ini dah bisa masuk dalam definisi overacting. gimana ga???? hanya untuk keliatan gaya, modis, mampu, n tajir mereka bela2in nguras dompet mereka untuk sesuatu yg mungkin mereka ga perluin. g jadi miris ngeliat dah jauhnya bergeser makna idul fitri yg sebenernya...jadi inget lagu enno lerian jaman dia mungil dulu:

"sepatu baru--alhamdullilah, tuk dipakai dihari raya, ga punya pun ga ap-ap, masih ada spatu yang lama...buat apa pesta2, kalau gagal puasanya, yang penting imannya pada Allah"...well, kurang lebih gitu d lagunya, rada ga inget lagi :)

g pikir, nabi Muhamad bisa uring2an di alamnya dia skarang kalo dia liat gaya para pengikutnya...sama kaya gemes and mirisnya Yesus tiap bulan Desember saat Dia liat pengikutNya lebih mentingin tatanan dandanan fisik, cari berbagai kartu2 lucu, ngabisin banyak waktu pilah-pilih ornamen pohon natal, dan sgala tetek bengek ga penting laennya, dibandingin sibuk n concern'nya mereka mnata hati dan milih respon n sikap hati yang bener untuk jadi ornamen hati.

Merry Early Xmas :)


2 taon stelah g nulis ini, g jd brasa sedih. see, g ga punya sikap hati yg sama yg Je temuin 2 taon lalu.

natal taon ini, g jadi neeta yg ky 'dead man walking'. my body is alive but my soul n spirit is dying down there... it's not that i havent done anything to make it better, it's just that i havent really done it passionately.

i wish things had been different. wish i could erase and skip Your process in me as along the process i've just become such a loser. i knew and still know that these things are good for me in being strong in You, i just sometimes wish that You are not that serious :-0

see, i still find me running away. i still find me not okey in heart n soul department. i still find me not making good right truthful decisions n actions, i still am struggling to follow You...

i learn, though, that these days, my relationship with You is not based merely on feelings and naive emotion. it's more based on my decisions. seems like the days when You can be felt emotionally is over, here comes the moments n level when it is my decision to love You -- not just that i feel i love You.

let my love is shown through my actions... let me speak my love out in my real action, JE...

translation project

have been working on the cellphone translation since wednesday.

the effect of lack of sleep is that i've been so sensitive n easy to get pissed off. one nite, dede called i just got irritated n blew things to him. SORRY!!!

i've just sent the last revision (i really hope i dont have to make another revision) n i really cross my fingers that mr.zenko will approve it.

*sigh*
*smile* thank goodness i've done it!!!
*smile* it's great to have u on line with me,De!!!

jogHin's church painting project

kanker

kanker..

mati gaya..

mati rasa..

coz... those unprofessional people in RIEC are so annoyingly late to pay my rights!!!!

IT IS ALL VERY SIMPLE

by:janet@word-sculptures.com

Each of us has only one soul to fix ...
Each of us has only one heart to heal ...
Each of us has only one head to clear ... our own.

But we need all of us.

Without one, there is disorder ...
Without one, there is imperfection ...
Without one, there is a hole in harmony ... no whole.

It is all very simple.
We all matter.

conFLicT

"Whenever you're in conflict with someone, there is one factor that can make the difference between damaging your relationship and deepening it. That factor is attitude."

"The harder the conflict, the more glorious the triumph."

"Let others lead small lives, but not you. Let others argue over small things, but not you. Let others cry over small hurts, but not you. Let others leave their future in someone else's hands, but not you."

"We are injured and hurt emotionally, not so much by other people or what they say and don't say, but by our own attitude and our own response." - Maxwell Maltz

"Feelings of worth can flourish only in an atmosphere where individual differences are appreciated, mistakes are tolerated, communication is open, and rules are flexible - the kind of atmosphere that is found in a nurturing family." - Virginia Satir

the steps of comin back to Your tracks

last nite i decided to join the tuesday prayer.

to be honest, it felt weird n exciting. it simply reminded me how i had been. how i would have been willing to pay the price just to gather like this.

i'm taking the steps of coming back to YOUR arms, Je :-)

funny stuff

toothpastefordinner.com

funny stuff

toothpastefordinner.com

well, i've ever read this interesting job vacancy in Kompas for doing data entry... it turned out that it was just this fake ad. for ppl to get involved w/ stock market. i made a phone call, though, and made an appointment as well [f.y.i. the company named Graha Venesha is located at BNI46]..
later on, i just felt not peaceful with this thing and called it off when the company's staff phoned me back for reconfirmation.

i always believe that it's always a great thing to follow ur heart. well, the same thing for this case. kstella n evan also experienced the same thing. evan even had already come n done some trainings it conducted. for me, bagus g ga kepo dateng n buang2 waktu n ongkos hehehehe

hohoho christmas is just right on the corner, guys

on sunday, joghin called from bogor as he was trying to find a christmas card with a pic of santa claus+reinders for his church painting projects.

it's funny how it seems like it's not like christmas seasons and receiving his call kinda reminded me that... HEI... it's christmas people!!!!!!!!

7 hours before the call, even when tongkee asked me to see the christmas tree she has set in the living room, i still found it hard to grasp that this is the season of christmas.

the questions are: WHY... WHY... WHY do i feel that way???

well, i guess it's because it's quite hot here... yeah.. just blame it on the weather!!! mmmmhhh, beside that, i think it's me who spiritually is not that okey... see, i hate the fact that it takes quite long for me to heal the pain, to be totally free in Your unconditional love, to be really ME in YOU.

last saturday, i happened to talk to nandis as he checked things out of me. he still could tell that i'm still not that okey... that i'm still quite a wreck deep inside.



this morning, i confess again, that I am YOURs, that i am willing to be go back to the last momment--the last track i left you and start from there again. well, i'm sorry for running n thanks for chasing me out with all the best effort U have. realizing that i just dont deserve it makes me realize once again, that YOUR love is not based in what i did/am doing/do/will be doing... it's simply as YOU've decided to do so.. J'taime Je :-)

new years is also right there on the corner, JE... i'm ready to have another journey in the chapter called 2008 with You...

once again, JoGhiN

nope, it's not a streaptease show!!!
it's just him in his gokil state, i guess...

meet my pocarisweat brother named joghin

he's been a company --great refreshing company indeed!!-- to kill many insomnia nites lately :-)

edited version: 12/12/07 @ 09:45a.m.
pocarisweat brother = for the fact that he's always successfull in refreshing me up nomatter whatever situation i'm in --sleepy, moody, tired, whatever.

like this morning. i woke up at 5a.m with his sms sent at around midnit in my inbox asking if he might call me. well, guess what, he was still alert when i replied "-) whatta great way to begin my day!!! hehehe

children of Koal

i miss these kids, a LOT!!

joghin's poem

someone i recently know sms me this poem


jika mati itu mudah,
aku pasti sudah menyerah,
bahkan semua tertawa padaku,
kmana bidadariku pergi,
yang biasa menyelamatkanku,
seharusnya dia daritadi sudah berada disini...
-by joghin 01dec07-

still, crunchies from back then... #2

traveling light

i'm not the kind of person who is able to travel lightly. not a practical person at all.

just see the contains of my traveling bag, for example :-)

lots of useless things i bring just for the sake to be ready for anything.

well, hopefully, in the trip called life, i might be able to travel light. i desire to be able to travel without bags of sorrow, hatred, dissapointment, failures, loneliness, and other baggage i dont need to take in this life trip.

help me to be able to travel light, for YOUR sake, for my sake, JE.,,

still, crunchies from back then...

two places, in two different geographical positions.. still, Amazing!!!

U r amazing
never changing
always with me
enthrone within my soul
overflowing, my heart offers
in deep honour n worship..
U R AMAZING!!!

scrubs from poatina

meet petey

met him during a festival in a suburb near melbourne (i forget the name of it). got dinner invitation to his parents' house, n there i was spending some times playing around with him :-)

my fav breakfast

my brekky: banana, green grapes, milo, and lots of ice cubes.... yuMMie!!!! slurrpppp!!!!!!!

back to poatina for a while

the gumpy house

once again... the amazing Kids of Koal!!!!!!

here comes the amazing children called idin n kebon

the small operation with Lia --back long time ago

and that's how the story goes:

just when i got back from lombok, i had this annoying painful bump right in my right feet. it was so very tiny when i was in mataram, yet it got bigger n bigger since then until here in jakarta.





the annoying thing i have to get rid of



aaaarrrrggggrrrhhhhh, it's painful!!!!!!!



the medical doctor :-)

and that's how the story ends :-)

i live mylife again free from any bumps

*sigh*
*smile*

me n the cousins back in homeland :-0

found this pic from the old file.

am i living in my vision... or am i just living in self denial???

found this pic while browsing 4 some info 4 the presentation next friday.

well, it kinda reminds me of what i want.

the desire to pursue what U put in my cracked heart.

when U look down into my heart, i still want U find that the dream U've placed long time ago is still there.

to be honest, i havent really given a thought about it these days.

it's more like something unreal. something i once had, but only in pseudo realism.

HIV/aids day

today is internationally HIV-Aids day.

i just overheard this news while i was getting ready to go here:

on metro TV: "some students n young ppl are gathering around the HI area spreading n giving hiv-aids red ribbon n condoms to drivers, passerby, etc."

well, i cant help but think that it is a promotion to free-sex life style, isnt it??

i mean, spreading n giving condoms away to ppl doesnt necessaraly stop the what-seems-unstoppable growth of hiv/aids, rite??? or am i wrong???

give my stamina back again, will YOU?!

feels quite sick lately. feels like i'm not really ready to do anything as my head gets all this dizziness, as my stomach sores, as my brain is leaking out, n my eyes r not cooperating enough to stay alert "-)

whatta week!!!!!!!!

last week went on with schedules like this:

* in company trainings @ pjompongan [FinLog] & kuningan [TigaRaksa]
* in house trainings @ tomang [ci listi's place]
* public class @ Riec Gading [Kiomi's Group]
* education exibition @ Kelapa Gading Mall 2


WHATTA WEEK!!!

speechless

just want to say that i'm speechless.
speechless to grasp once again for the 57445759336th times that U r amazing "-O ...
speechless to learn that U r still waiting right at the last moment i left u...
speechless to be poured in Ur unconditional amazing love...
speechless to be transformed from lust-me-state into love-me-state...
speechless to find out again for the million times that it's not what i did, do, am doing and will do that save me... it's basically what U did...

NOTHING I DID/DO/AM DOING/WILL DO WILL EVER MAKE A DIFFERENCE ON HOW U LOVE ME...

I'm so damn speechless!!!!

sendal jogja g...

these thongs were my fav. i gave it to nanise from south africa as she was totally in love with them too :-)

3 bulan di aussie, ni sendal jepit jadi andalan u/ jalan kmana ja. n orang2, t'utama para bule suka takjub n komen gimana kotak n uniknya ni sendal.. cara yg bagus u/ buka pcakapan tho??? hehehehe

soaked blessed

tuesday o6.11.o7 @ 5:19 pm

@ KTC Foodcourt

a metalic square table with k'tel, yuni, nandis n me



the fact that they spent their time just to have this 2hour conversation melted n still melts my everything out.


i'm blessed with their presence.

i'm blessed to have them in my life.

i'm soaked blessed.

once again... FIDO.. forget it...Drive on!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! wil u??!!!!!!!!!!!!

i'm driving on.... well, tepatnya... i'm walking on..

friday.o2.11.o7

central plaza
## floor
busway to dukuh atas1-p.genjing
the room

*****

i'm really sorry.. i know, it's the other million times i've been saying this word... this time, i dont even seem like i mean it...

i do. yet, i dont...

all i could say is:

sorry i couldnt stand it, Je...

imagine me

Artist : Kirk Franklin
Title : Imagine Me
Genre : R&B

Imagine me


loving wat I see when the mirror looksat me cuz I
I imagine me
In a place of no insecurities
And i'm finally happy cuz
I imagine me

Letting go of all of the ones who hurt me
cuz they never did deserve me
can you imagine me
Saying no to thoughts that try to control me
Remembering all you told me
Lord can you imagine me
over what ma mamma said
And healed from what my daddy did
And I wanna live and not read that page again

[Chorus:]
Imagine me, being free, trusting you totally finally I can...
Imagine me
I admit it was hard to see
You being in love with someone like me
but finally I can...
Imagine me

Being strong
And not letting people break me down
you won't get that joy this time around can you imagine me
In a world where nobody has t o live afraid
Because of your love fears gone away
Can you imagine me

[Bridge:]
Letting go of my past
And glad to have another chance
And my heart will dance
'Cause I don't have to read that page again

[Chorus x2]

[Vamp:]
Gone, gone, it's gone, all gone

forget it ... drive on

seems like i get stuck in the 26 zone with a guy called 4%@#e* sitting in the front seat with me. the trip has been rocky, slippery, dangerous...challenging indeed. so challenging that i lost myself along it.

the conversation along the way is the kind u would label "what-the-heck-is-anast-thinking of???"

i guess i need to drop him out from the ride. or, i am the one who need to take another ride. he doesnt seem like he wants to be out...



so, ANAST, u r the one who NEED to be out of the ride!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Je, help me to walk out of the ride n let me find myself with u in the ride u've been offering me all along!!!!

Fin Log first timer

wake up 4.30 amget ready
bfast with a plate of tomatoes slices + a glass of super cold milo

ojek to central plaza
@risanda
n.. fin log entry for the 1st time

7 am - 9 amteach with U by my side all the time :-0

thx for a new exprience, Je...

every long journey is always started with a tiny little step

just like what i did today, i guess ...

iDin

meet iDiN

things IDiN liked to do for me:
well it's just quite hard to mention every sweet great things this little boy called IdiN had done for me.

in my effort to do so, here r some...

* made me laugh 'til i almost pee my pants out
* brought me some bags of guava fruit [a.k.a jambu batu merah] when i got diarrhea... it's not only one bag, mind u... it's 3 bags early in the morning just because i mentioned the day b4 that eating those fruit would make me feel better :-0
* made me run all over the hill just to catch, tease, n tickle him
* made me yell out his name when he pretended that he didnt hear me
* invited me over to have dinner in his cozzy warm cot
* immitated the way i talk just to get on my nerve
* tried his not-so best way to do all the exercises in the bimbel time
* followed my morning n afternoon aerobics moves
* became my knights-fighting partner
* played card n 'snakes n ladder' for hours
* danced in a way which always success in making me histerical
* made me laugh again...

the lasT watcHing film toGether niGhT

it was the very last nite i had in koal.

we were watching NarNia for the 7th times.

the children were still into it a lot.

well, i like their watching expression. their faces showed that they were so easily amazed.

remember being childlike...

this is the expression i want U to find in my face when U do something remarkable.. or when U do simple things in remarkable ways like U always do.

the children of Koal-lombok

meet rahman n rahmi...

the grandchildren of inaq Temin

the pics were taken 19 hours before i left koal.

waktu g motoin ni anak2 makan, inaq temin [their grandma] lagi didpur buat kolak singkong buat farewell party malemnya.

amaQ Lemu

on a phone conversation:
nandis: g tau napa lo suka ma keluarga amaq lemu..

g : knapa??

nandis : amaq lemu mirip bokap lo!!!

g : *smile* yup

well, this cheerful man is really the apple of my eyes among all those amaq [meaning: man] in koal. see, he looks like my dad in a lot ways.

i loved to come to his warm family just to hang out and crack jokes with them. he liked to come by to my cot in the middle of the day just to hang out with a glass of dark bitter coffee. even typing this blog with his smile in my head makes me smile...

his wife is as hip as him. just love this family..