in my head lately

i've been thinking about this lately:
*it's so easy for me to feel related with someone*

mungkin krna g yg lagi melarikan diri dari komunitas yg bikin g mudah pcaya ma strangers. feel like it is totally safe to pour things out coz this stranger has nothing to do with the old times, coz this stranger may not be able to judge me from the unrepairable things i've made.

smpai sore tadi, g masih brasa ga belong ma komunitas yg dulu g sayang n adore so much. 6 bulan djakarta masih ga cukup buat g feel like i'm home. mreka yg dulu jadi tmpat naro cerita jadi orang2 yang sekarang g hindarin. kata2 nandis yg dl g pegang sering jadi kumpulan kata2 yang g acuhin. janji2 yg g buat ma nandis, stella, yuni, ayung, n diri g sendiri banyakkali jadi janji2 basi yg sering ga kerealisasi.

apa ini yg bikin g nyaman ngabisin puluhan menit cuma u/ ngobrol with a stranger dibanding ngabisin bebrapa waktu ma mereka yg dulu bareng mereka g suka bgadang nyusurin jalan2 jakarta hunting makanan?

apa ini yang jadi alesan sempurna knapa g lebih suka dial ke nomor yang hnya baru g knal sebulanan ini dibanding men'dial nomor mereka yang g apal diluar kpala??

apa ini knapa g lebih milih u/ pour n share things with a stranger--a stranger who now i feel like someone i really know n care--dibanding ma mereka yg pendapat n isi hatinya g cari??

ga nyamannya g dengan komunitaskah yang bikin g ignore fakta bahwa nDuT lagi dijakarta, n bahkan g ga niat nawarin waktu u/ skedar ktemu bentar??
ignore fakta gimana belasan malem dia nemenin nongkrong dipinggir senggigi cuma untuk ngopi ngemie n ngbrol ga jelas mpe subuh2??


ini pcakapan via sms 2 days b4 christmas:

nDuT: nast, g dah dijakarta.
g : *stlah 2jam'an* welcome to the crowded jakarta ya!!
nDuT: nast, r u okey?
g : iya'lah, mang np?
nDuT: gak np2
g : once again, welcome to jakarta!
nDuT: gt y

that's it, i didnt n dont even want to reply or do anything with the fact that he is here, in the same geographical location with me. just dont feel comfort n eager to do so.

sorry guys, i'm sorry, i just dont feel like spending times with u.

I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, myself and I
We've got some straightenin' out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry
Don't cry Don't cry Don't cry *taken from Fergie's*


it may just be a pseudo thing, i know. i know that it may not last. i know that it may be pathetic to feel this way.

or, it may not?? or is it just an escape from reality like i used to say...

tapi, kalo g mau reality g Je, it means that i'm escaping from You, Je. n i dont want to escape from You. i still want to be found in You, Je...

the point is, aku masih mau ditemukan dalamMU, Je.